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Saturday, June 20, 2020

Turning it around and making an amends

I’ve been stuck in a place where I felt drained from everything that has been taking place in my personal life that I was not giving my spiritual life the attention that it so desperately had been longing for. Even in my prayer time I would rush in, and out from the presence of God because I was so overwhelmed in my own feelings. I really did not know how to shake it off, and I know the moment God called for me to come before Him it was a serious thing that I was going through that only He was able to take away. 

There were days that I could not build up enough energy to stay balance in my work schedule, and or my ministry commitments. I was all over the place, and it was beginning to show badly. I knew that whatever this things was it had to go because I  started not to recognize myself in the mirror or even throughout my day to day. I wanted to know what was going on with me so on day to of this roller coaster of last weekend I made the choice to stand up to what I was feeling, and journal my feelings, and even the time that I felt like an emotional wreck. 

And things got real while I was talking to God, and thinking that He was going to just step in, and change the way that I was feeling on the inside of my spirit oh boy was I wrong for sure because all God was doing was giving me motivation through scripture to remain strong in going to this transition that I didn’t know at that time was taking place. When I sat down unto myself last Friday,Saturday,and Sunday, and even early Monday I had to evaluate what happened before this feeling of emotions came for me, and crushed me in spirit. 

As I sat I thought about my day Friday morning, and how I was in a good mood, and I remember having a conversation with my mother, and my ex was mentioned, and something triggered in me that made me good from a good mood to a mood of sadness, and rejection, and anguish. I know now that going through this process was so needed for me because I had a lot of unresolved issues from this departure from the guy that I was in a serious relationship with,

The last time I seen him was back in February of this year, and after that we talked for a few weeks on the phone trying to link back up, and it was not happening. I was so drained from the head games, and from the lies, and disappointments that I experienced from him while being with him. I was so tired of placing myself in harms way use to be with someone that was toxic, and very much so cray-cray. 

I had to make some bold decisions after what I experienced this past weekend. I had to get the encourage to block him again, and this time forever, and even if he tried to contract me, and the caller was unknown I still was not going to answer because he is the only one that calls me like that because I blocked him befor,

Here are some of the things that I did to move forward, and begin the healing process, 

  • I had to stay in touch with the feelings that were house inside of my heart, and I had to take down the tough girl role, and allow myself to cry it out. This really caused me to feel the pain from what hurt me in that relationship.

  • I had to delete the entire text thread between him, and I. That was hard for a lot of reasons. 

  • I had to remind myself that love does not hurt, and that I am worthy to be loved by the one that God has for me, but in God’s timing, and not me going ahead of God to try to find the one that I think is the one. 

  • And the biggest one of them all get rid of my favorite clothes of his that I slept in, and or jacked when I left because I still needed a protection blanket of him so to speak. Packing up those things gave me strength to know that there are better days ahead of me. 

I want to encourage anyone that is going through a hard time in getting over a breakup, and or trying to reconnect with an ex, and you know it is not in your best interests. Now is the time to set aside every weight, and get before God, and allow Him to heal you.

I am currently on a 40 day fast to heal, and to strengthen myself in God. I will be starting this fast with a group of women on June 21st, 2020, and I will be blogging for the entire 40 days. 

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