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Sunday, June 21, 2020

Cleansing out the residue Day 1: The frustration of my cousin's murder





Last night I got word that one of my eldest counsins was murdered with a gun shot to his head, and I felt nothing when I heard of the news. My mind went back to 1996 i was 14 years old at the time, and this is when my cousin attempted to rape me, and I still feel a way about that. So I took what I felt before God, and I asked Him to help me with this. 




I do not want to be trapped in the cycle of frustration, and not have empathy for my family in this time of grieving. His life mattered to a lot of people, and it once mattered to me before 1996 in Oakland CA. I needed closure from this, and I never had the courage to seek it, and to tell him that I forgive him. 


Today I am choosing to tap into my inner child, and begin to heal from what occured on that night. Some of the worse moments of that night still bother me. He literally tried to forcefully remove my pants, and when I fought back he ended up punching me in the face. Morning came, and I got the nerve to tell my eldest brother, and because this was his favorite cousin he did not believe me. I told my mother, and nothing wseven mentioned but she kept him away from the house. 


last night i wrestled with the conflicted of emotions of wanting to reach out to my aunt to offer her my deepest condolences but then I had to stop myself because it was not going to come from a genuine place from my heart. 


What I am doing to is fasting it out, and turning every bit of negative feeling that I have towards my cousin over to God because I refuse to hold this in my heart any longer. I want to lve a life of peave, and I want to forgive my cousin. I can not walk through my life holding my heart hostage being afraid to see the bigger picture in letting it go. 


If you are experiencing a similar situation, and need a breakthrough in freeing your heart of pain I will be standing in prayer with you. I know that God can so anything but fail, and that as long as you take one step God will take another step with you. 


Here is a scripture that will prepare your heart to find forgiveness in your day. 


14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 6:14-15

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